Letter to My Four Children

By Delonna S.

I apologize for the chaos and mistakes I’ve made, and since I can’t change what’s already done I feel worthless, and I hide and constantly run as I face all the emotions and hurt I caused and chose not to see. I feel stronger and ready, ‘cause it’s all starting back with me. I hate that I hurt you. I hate that I changed. I don’t know how to stop this spiral fueled by all the guilt and all this shame.

It’s hard to admit and accept I’m not in control of my life, so I sit here empty inside as I watch my dreams fade at the end of the pipe. I can’t remember when things in my world got turned upside down, but it seems like yesterday I was making you proud. I want so badly to be the mom you truly deserve, but I can’t stand my reflection ‘cause I know I’m not her.

I’m struggling to find my way back to when things were good. And I start every day with intentions to do right, and I wish that I could. I want you to know and believe my love for you never changed. My priorities and emotions just got so mixed up and rearranged. It’s gonna take time to sort it all out, and it’s not gonna be easy.

There are so many questions filled with doubt. We will all have to accept things will never be the same, but I’ll never give up. I’ll fight with all that I am each and every day. We’ve got to be humble and patient and not all expect right away. I’ve got to stay focused on “just for today.”

I regret that I stole things from you that I’ll never be able to replace, like the hope and trust I once saw as I looked at your beautiful faces. I know it seems like a cycle of lies that never ends. And I feel lost, but I’m in here—we just gotta find “me” again. I’m constantly wishing to take away your tears and your pain. So I’ll seek guidance, and I’ll continue to pray.

I’m looking forward to living better than the life we had, and to see you happy instead of betrayed and so sad. I miss you guys more than words could ever explain, so I’m going [to get help] to prove to you I’m finally ready to change.

I’m embarrassed of the lies I’ve told and the times you felt abandoned, alone and also mad. I’ve got a favor for you: please don’t ever give up on me—and have faith that one day we won’t be so sad. And please please don’t ever hate me for the life that you had!